wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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