Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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