I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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