Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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