party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
