I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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