Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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