My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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