and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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