Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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