Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It was confusing and full of hummus
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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