I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
