Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
