And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize