my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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