shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
