My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
