it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
