my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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