if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
