All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
