I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
