if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
