some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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