Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
