The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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