Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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