I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
