...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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