True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
