there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
