No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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