i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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