Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
