my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
