You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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