I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
