Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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