I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
