You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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