community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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