You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
