Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I need water and some morals
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
