you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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