i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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