Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
