my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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