My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
