She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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