When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just forgot I was standing up.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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