he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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