im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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