I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
