Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
