dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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