When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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