When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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