I faked an abortion last night.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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