Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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