My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
