New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
