SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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