he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
