I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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